A revealing analysis of Reddit publications about nervousness before marriage shows how many grooms have serious doubts that may indicate problems in the future marriage.
Led by researchers at the University of Missouri, the study analyzed the sincere confessions of people on the brink of marriage who sought advice on strangers on the internet.
According to, its findings point to a Emotional conflict standard that occurs when people face one of life’s greatest commitments.
When already plunged into the wedding preparations, with the expenses paid and the invitations sent, Give up to be more and more difficult. This impulse effect can run over legitimate concerns about the relationship.
“The issues that lead to divorce often have Origin in the dating phase“, Writes the researchers in their study in the Journal of Marriage and Family. People with pre-maturity questions They often see these concerns come true after saying “yes”.
Most relationship research focuses on dating or marriage, but the intermediate and embarrassing phase-engagement-has received little attention from scientists so far.
The investigation team analyzed 36 Publications on Reddit of people who questioned their engagement, besides More than 2,200 comments to respond to these concerns.
The study authors sought specific words and phrases in publications, such as “fear” e “abandoned not altar“.
“In the context of engagement, uncertainty about a partner assumes considerably greater importance because the risks of the end of the relationship are greater as commitment increases beyond a love relationship,” the researchers write.
They have been given that many of the authors of the publications were divided between the amor continuous by its partners and the growing concern with warning signs in your relationships.
Publications described everything, since lower problems to signs of serious alertssuch as financial fraud, substance abuse and violence by the partner.
The authors of the study state that there was a consistent pattern between publications. First, the person described worrying behaviors who had noticed. Despite these warning signs, many justified the permanence in the relationship praising the Partner qualities or mentioning how much time and money had already invested in the relationship.
A user called “Aisha”(The investigators attributed pseudonyms to protect anonymity) expressed frustration with the lack of help from your partner in household chores. “I’m frustrated because when it comes to cleaning, much of what he does ends up creating more work for me, so what is the meaning of him doing it, but I can’t be the only one who does the housework in this relationship if we work the same number of hours.”
“This is a subject to which I am extremely sensitive Because, in my family, my mother basically married my father and became his mother. I am terrified that this happens to us. ”
Reddit’s commentators didn’t measure words: “Do you really want to marry it? Because it will end up just as you think it will end.”
In more alarming cases, such as “Ashley“, Who had to barrine in the kitchen after his Ground drunk becomes aggressivethe commentators were straightforward: “Don’t marry this kind. He has done something scary and violent and is now trying to make you feel guilty about the locked out of the kitchen. This will get worse.”
The research points out why people resort to anonymous forums instead of friends or family when they question their relationships. When you have questions about a partner, talking to people who know both of them may seem risky – and if they judge your partner or, worse, you continue together and they always come to your relationship negatively?
“When the future of a relationship is uncertainindividuals can avoid or adopt more passive communication strategies due to the fear of rejection or to end up the relationship, ”the researchers explain.
The strangers online offer something that close friends cannot: honest feedback without consequences in the real world.
The anonymous commentators served as a Verification of realityvalidating concerns that the individuals involved could rule out. Encouraged the authors of publications to imagine a concrete future “So much as it would be to be and the potential relief to leave.”
The study also revealed that the commentators performed a vital role in helping the individuals involved dealing with your uncertainty.
A commentator offers this mental experience to a woman who questioned her relationship. “Try a small exercise in meditation-close your eyes and imagine yourself only yourself and [ao seu noivo] On a trip together. Just the two. Let’s say it’s Paris. You are holding hands, walking through the quiet and picturesque streets. The lights of the Eiffel Tower shine as they get dark. The world is a beautiful place. Is he the man who wants in this scenario? ”
The commentator continued with a scenario about being in a hospital, asking if the groom was the person she would like to hold her hand during a medical crisis.
Although some concerns were relatively lower – such as communication problems or compatibility issues – others were serious warning signs. “Malik”Wrote about his bride’s worrying behavior.“ She has called me idiot (and variations of it) on several occasions and sometimes even hit me. I think she has anger control problems. ”
In these cases, the commentators were particularly direct. As a man whose bride had shot his work computer against the wall. “It will be even harder to get out after marriage. She is violent – this is a great alert sign.
What would be worse: marry this violent woman and spend the next few years of her life with her tantrums until she hurts him seriously, or the momentary pain of ending her and the embarrassment of canceling the marriage?
Many participants cited financial investments in marriage planning as a reason to hesitate to cancel despite serious concerns. As he explained “Ashley”: “Our marriage is already paid and I don’t want to go through the embarrassment/financial loss of canceling because of a night between thousands we spent together and that we will probably surpass in a few weeks. The same way, I don’t want to marry someone who could do what happened last night, but I don’t know if I’m overdoing it”.
But the commentators often pointed out that the divorce would cost much more – Both financially and emotionally – than canceling the marriage.
As a commentator told a man in fear “believe me. I am divorced after 20 years. All the reasons you can be together are short term, but marriage is permanent. Separate the short term from the long run. It’s worth the effort.”
Recognize Early warning signs can help couples Solving problems before marriage or making the difficult decision to separate before legal and emotional complications multiply. The feeling of being afraid on wedding day has the potential to predict a future that no one wants.
After all, as researchers observe in their conclusion “The best divorce is the one who gets before marrying.”
Teresa Oliveira Campos, Zap //
