If a friend is facing a great challenge or is defeated, usually our first instinct is to offer words of comfort and understanding. But it is often not so easy to do this for ourselves.
We can be our own most severe critics. Practicing a little self -pity, however, makes a big difference. Research shows that when people go through stressful challenges or situations, those that show more self -pity are more resilient.
“We can say, ‘I made a mistake,’ instead of saying, ‘I am a mistake,” said Kristin Neff, an associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas in Austin, who has been studying self -pity for over two decades. “It’s a healthier alternative to self -esteem, because it’s not about judging yourself positively, but being useful and kind to yourself.”
What is self -pity?
Self -pitch is the process of expressing support, heat and understanding to yourself during difficult times – and recognizing that you are not alone in your imperfections. It arises from full attention, which involves maintaining focus at the present moment without judgment.
Autocompaning people can identify when they are feeling defeated or inadequate, but avoid getting lost in these feelings so that they can answer themselves kindly, instead of ruminating, explained Neff.
Being kind to yourself does not mean having a festival of self -pity. Our suffering is not unique – failures and errors are part of what makes us human. And while we all suffer in different ways, the knowledge that suffering is universal can help prevent feelings of shame or isolation.
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What are the myths about self -pity?
A common myth is that self -pity will undermine the motivation to improve itself or its circumstances. But research suggests that support, encouragement and constructive criticism are more effective motivators than negative feedback, Neff added.
Another myth is that self -pity is self -indulgence. But in fact, Neff said, it has been shown that it reduces exhaustion and therefore allows us to take better care of others. Self-indulgence, on the other hand, involves behaving in a way that is ultimately harmful-to oneself or to others.
Finally, self -pity is sometimes confused with self -care, but it is not just about calming down, said Steven C. Hayes, a clinical psychologist and creator of acceptance and commitment therapy, which emphasizes useful skills to develop self -pity, such as living the present moment and focusing on values rather than imposed expectations.
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Self -pity “is the empowerment to be yourself, to feel what you are feeling, fully and without unnecessary defenses,” he said.
How to develop self -pity?
There are several ways to practice self -pity:
— Say kind things for yourself every day: Think about how you are all over the day, said Ness. Are you supporter and encouraging? Or is it your worst enemy?
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“The vast majority of people are significantly more compassionate with others than to themselves,” said Neff.
If you tend to criticize yourself harshly, she added, try to talk to yourself kindly, as you would with a good friend in the same situation.
— Make a compassionate break: Tara Brach, psychologist and author of “radical acceptance”, suggests the Rain method: recognizing, accepting, investigating and nourishing.
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The idea is to recognize the emotions you are feeling and allow these feelings to exist without pushing them reflectively away.
Then investigate how your body is affected by these emotions – is there a stomach emptiness or a tightness in the chest? Set aside time to explore the beliefs associated with these emotions – are you assuming something is wrong with you?
“This is probably the greatest suffering people have: ‘I’m undesirable. I’m failing. I should be doing more,” Brach said.
Then, Nutra. What does the suffering part of you most need now? Understanding? Be forgiven? A kind message?
Put your hand over your heart or use another soothing touch that looks affectionate.
Send a kind message inside: “It’s okay to feel it” or “You’re doing the best you can.”
These small gestures can make a big difference.
A small study with 135 college students found that those who regularly spent 20 seconds a day putting their hands on their hearts and abdomen while thinking of kind thoughts like “How can I be a friend to myself right now?” They reported feeling less stress and presented more compassion for themselves after a month.
— Propagates compassion: By giving yourself compassion, you become more able to receive and offer compassionate care to others, said Hayes.
“Show them that they are not alone,” he added. “We need people who are more self -compassionate and compassionate with others.”
Self-pity can involve setting healthy limits in a relationship or even directing your compassion out-for example, volunteering to an important cause or participating in a protest to try to promote positive political or social changes.
In this sense, self -pity can be fierce and strong: think about the energy of a “bear mother.”
“Part of taking care of ourselves means trying to end social damage too,” said Neff. “It’s something bigger than just ourselves individually.”
c.2025 The New York Times Company
