Always compare, compete, to give their opinion and advise, although it does not even realize. The solution involves six fundamental steps inserted into the “radical listening.”
It may seem easy to hear others, but then why don’t we often feel heard?
Two positive psychology experts identified six common behaviors that constantly sabotage effective listening. From them, they propose an alternative approach: the radical listening.
But first of all, what does our ability to really listen to?
1. Compare experiences
Listening to someone to share a story or challenge, it is common to feel tempted to share a similar experience. But this instinct, while even being well intended, may eventually devalue the other’s experience.
Instead of actively listening, the listener already mentally prepares his answer while the other speaks. The focus of the conversation is deflecting and it becomes egocentric.
2. Compete for the attention
Another recurring error is to transform the sharing of difficulties into a competition.
When someone says, for example, “I have over 200 emails to read,” answer with “Oh, and I? I have over 1000!” It does not show empathy, but an impulse to stand out or minimize the problem of the person who vented to him.
This act can also be easily confused or viewed as egocentrism.
3. Mental reading
Assuming what the other will say before being said is also not recommended.
Entering a convinced conversation that it is already known what the other will say is a serious blockade to genuine listening. This “mental reading” leads the listener to act based on his assumptions, ignoring the actual content of the conversation.
4. Give unqualled advice
It is also part of our instinct to “you should do this or that”, but before you should hear until the end and preferably wait for them to ask you an opinion.
This is because the listener may not even want his advice or opinion. Perhaps you just want to be heard, empathy or understanding.
5. Your opinion may not be (the most) important
Experience can lead some people to consider that they always have the right answer.
During a meeting at work, for example, they can interrupt or stop listening when they think their contribution is more valuable, devaluing the opinion of others.
6. Lack of time
The constant feeling of lack of time can generate impatience and disinterest in the person who is venting.
When you give signs of haste, the other can interpret that what you are saying is not relevant or important.
Radical listening, the solution
To counteract these behaviors, the authors propose a “radical listening” model, consisting of six fundamental skills.
It is not a matter of agreeing with everything that is said, but of creating space for the other to express themselves fully.
1. Repair
It involves providing genuine attention to what is being said and identifying what is most relevant in each interaction. It is an exercise in presence and concentration.
2.
It means controlling internal dialogue and emotions to offer full attention to the interlocutor. Includes conscious use of pauses and silences to calm the conversation and allow a deeper listening.
3. Accept
It is about adopting an opening stance in relation to the ideas and opinions of others, even if they do not coincide with ours. It strengthens mutual respect and creates a safe environment for dialogue.
4. Recognize
It consists in explicitly valuing the efforts, ideas or feelings of the other. When someone feels recognized, the feeling of being understood and respected increases.
5.
It implies asking questions that show genuine interest and curiosity. Intently questioning can make room for new perspectives and creative solutions.
6. Intervene (with enthusiasm)
Although it may seem contradictory to the idea of listening, intervening in an enthusiastic and punctual way can reinforce the connection and show involvement.
