When it comes to the impact of divorce on children, one tends to think only of young children. However, adult children also suffer a lot from the separation of their parents.
Divorce is aging.
The United States is one of the countries with the highest divorce rate in the world. But in the last four decades, this index has fallen among younger couples.
Parallel, middle -aged adults and more Elderly took the lead. Adults 65 and over became the only age group that has been increased by a divorce rate in the United States.
Among people over 50, the divorce rate has also increased for decades. But now it has stabilized.
Currently, about 36% of people who divorce are 50 years or oldercompared to only 8.7% in 1990. This phenomenon is known as “gray divorce”.
This tendency for older divorce has been verified for a number of reasons, according to studies. For starters, people are living more than in the past and the elderly couples may be less willing to face unsatisfactory marriages than before.
On the other hand, young people are getting married later and became more selective in choosing the partner. In the words of a researcher, “the United States are walking to a system where marriage is rarer and more stable than in the past. ”
“Like an earthquake”
Researchers study deeply how parents’ divorce affects young children. But the impact on adult children has been neglected for a long time, perhaps because we consider that they are more ripe and able to deal with the situation.
Still, in the late 1980s, research emerged to conclude that, just as young children, adult children react to the divorce of parents with Anger, surprise and “prolonged sadness”.
“I often heard adult children say, ‘It looked like the rock that was my family, the support network system I grew up was sucked by an earthquake,” says family and wedding therapist Carol Hughes, southern California, United States. He is one of the authors of the book Home Will Never Be the Same Again: A Guide for Adult Children of Gray Divorce (“Home will never be the same: Guide for Gray Divorce Adult Children”).
Reflecting on family-shared memories, adult children may ask themselves: “Was it all a simple illusion? Are they someday really happy? ”He continues.
The therapist says that some of her clients ended relationships and engaged due to her parents’ divorce or questioned her own identity and self -esteem.
“Parent divorce can be a difficult experience for any individual […]regardless of the age and duration of marriage. The experience or transition is simply different, ”explains sociology teacher Joleen Greenwood of Kutztown University in Pennsylvania.
Greenwood says that adult children may, for example, are obliged to help the father or mother that they consider “wronged”standing beside him or her, for example, giving social and emotional support or even legal advice.
Greenwood interviewed 40 adult children from divorced couples and a common theme was the feeling of get stuck between the two sides.
“Parents can see [os seus filhos] As companions, equal or confidant and ‘put them in the middle,’ ”he explains.
“This does not mean that some parents do not do this with children under 18, but it is more likely when their children are adults, over 18 years old.”
Daughters are particularly more likely to Provide emotional support that the children, according to the research.
Hughes also points out that adult children may have difficulty with the lack of boundaries with their parents after divorce, for example, if parents seek them in search of advice on meetings or sexual counseling, something they would not do with younger children.
“Of course not all parents act like this, but adult children have no idea how to deal with it“, Says Hughes.
Parents to drift?
When we are children, our parents provide emotional and financial support. And as time goes on, this relationship gradually becomes mutual and sometimes reverses, with grown children to take care of the elderly parents.
But gray divorce can transform this process, causing a “drastic change” in the relationship with each parent, according to public policy professor Jocelyn Elise Crowley of Rutgers University in the United States. She is the author of the book Gray Divorce: What We Lose and Gain from Midlife Splits (“Gray Divorce: What We Lose and What We Get Half Sits”.
His research was based on interviews with 40 men and 40 women who underwent a gray divorce. Crowley concluded that women face “economic penalty”After divorce, as they typically move away from the professional market to take care of their children.
Men face “social penalty“After divorce, according to her. This is because wives are often” family guardians “in marriage, that is, they invest time and energy in their relationship with family and friends, while husbands depend on wives to establish their social life.
“Women, basically, are still the family’s social directors in 2025,” says Crowley, “and when they leave, Men are like islands at sea.”
After divorce, husbands lose their social networks and have Less contact with childrenwho usually stand on their mother. The men interviewed by Crowley underwent “an experience of enormous mourning” after the breakup.
“They expressed a lot of sadness,” according to Crowley.
This pattern in which children are on the mother’s side after divorce is known as the Matrifocal inclination.
Among the younger children, it may be a consequence of custody agreements, which leave their children with their mother. But studies in different countries, for several decades, also concluded that this marriage slope away from the father It is also verified in gray divorcesamong grown children.
A longitudinal study in Germany published in 2024, among adult children ages 18 to 49, for example, concluded that graying divorce approached the mother’s grown children, in terms of contact and emotional proximity, weakening the bond with her father.
New relationships
Other research also indicated that parental divorce between older people results in Less contact between parents and their children. This contact is further reduced when the father finds a new partner.
On the other hand, when the mother begins a new relationship, that does not seem to change contact between her and the children. And it is interesting to note that women are the one who most calls for divorce and the least marrying again after a gray divorce.
The inclination to move away from the father after divorce can happen even if the father supports the grown children. One study concluded that, after divorce, “the frequent contact of parents with their adult children decreases,” even when “parents’ financial support increases,” for example.
Some adult children may reduce contact to avoid being in the middle of the conflict. A study among 930 people who underwent gray divorce showed that 7% of parents They had no contact with at least one of their children.
This rupture of family dynamics can harm the well-being of parents and children. Another study concluded that not contact with at least one of the adult children “it aggravates the negative effect of divorce on the mental health of parents and mothers.”
Practical challenges
When children are adults, the guard is no longer a problem in a divorce agreement. But some children can still live with your parents at the time of divorce.
In 2023, 18% of US adults aged 25 to 34 lived at their parents’ house.
Some young adults can depend on parents for financial supportfor example, if they are still studying. And an adult son may even slow his trip to college or university if gray divorce affects family finances.
JOCELYN Crowley points out that ties between parents and children can be rearfated. And some parents, in fact, reconnect with their children later, even after long periods of absence.
Researchers from around the world continue to face the increase in divorce between older couples and the resulting transition, which is sometimes painful. Therefore, it is essential to understand how grandson divorce affects families.
For adult children facing their parents’ divorce, Carol Hughes says that Search Support GroupsWith other people who are going through the same experience, it can help reduce the feeling of loneliness and isolation.
Of course, experts indicate that some relationships between parents and children are not harmed. In fact, some adult children will not be surprised or shocked by their parents’ divorce and may even be favorable to the decision.
It all depends on the circumstances of each family. Many adult children interviewed by Joleen Greenwood were relieved that their parents are finally divorced, often due to lifelong conflicts.
“Even in cases that face negative tensions over time, tense relationships have been healed,” he says.
