Writer known as ‘relationship guru’ says the problem is getting used to what hurts
According to a report released by the United Nations in 2025, it became an ‘invisible disease’ that is affecting millions of people around the globe. The research points out that one in six people in the world suffers from loneliness, with this issue significant impacts on health and well-being, and may even lead to death. The most affected by loneliness, according to the survey, are people living in low and medium -income countries, such as Brazil. Young people and adults are the ones who fight the most against this issue and clinical psychologist Thomas Schultz receives several cases of people with difficulties to relate to their office. Encouraged by a patient, the neuroscientist also decided to launch the book “No one is born knowing how to relate” by Buzz Editora.
In the work, he addresses daily issues and brings reports of patients, mostly women, who face the challenge of emotional dependence and the journey of self -knowledge towards the exit of toxic relationships. With years of career, the stories contemplate ups and downs, giving light and frank tone – when I need – to the text. The problem of fearing loneliness, according to the psychologist, is to subject itself to precarious relationships, which is happening more and more. A study published in PubMed, Medical -related scientific research platform, showed that 33.3% of women have suffered from toxic relationships, especially in the pandemic. Among the interviewees, 36.1% had symptoms of depression, which configures the health losses cited by the UN.
In Thomas’s view, the reason we were experiencing such bad relationships is that the way of relating us has changed a lot in the last 20 years – a time that coincides with the beginning of the internet age. Today, while we have the possibility to meet people with greater practicality through applications, we ended up losing in quality. “In the past, a friend introduced someone and then we went out to get a blind meeting. Today, we have many options, which does not mean that we have quality in the choices pointed out. Our role is to find the person in the midst of several, which has the most compatibility, affinity and characteristics we are looking for.”
For the expert, applications are complicated, as they generate the “paradox of choice”, a kind of high demand that confuses the person, making them more susceptible to questions, insecurities and other problems. “Paradox of choice is when you have a lot of options in front of you, you are afraid to invest in one of them, because you are afraid to regret, and then you always get thought: ‘What if the person I didn’t choose was better than I chose?’ And they jump from branch to branch, without investing in one person, ”says Thomas.
The ‘relationship guru’ of networks teaches how to deal
Man and cisgender, Schultz has always been fascinated by the female universe. From an early age, he has been well related to the opposite sex. This affinity shaped him and made him exact to hear and guide women who became customers and now readers. “The boys liked to talk about football and I was interested much more about the girls’ conversation and I always did better with women. In adulthood, this was transferring along my career until it became a professional niche,” he comments. With all this baggage, he realized that fighting emotional dependence would require more than just consultations and started investing in digital content.
This transition from health professional to content producer was not easy. He reports that he was challenging, because on the social network the ideal is that the video is short and impactful, which is sometimes difficult, especially when addressing complex issues. “There are several ways to address a theme and what makes it a lot easier, in reality, is that I am a clinical psychologist, so I managed to bring examples of real -life cases so that other people could identify with those themes,” he says.
In the newly released publication, Thomas gives tips on how to identify signs of a toxic or abusive relationship. “It is usually when disrespect becomes so great that it becomes an aggression. And it may be physical aggression, but it may be verbal aggression, curses, depreciation of the other person. This is all indications that indicate that disrespect has gone from all boundaries. The secret is not getting used to the comfort zone: some people are in relationships because they feel limited to that and they get used to pain. They feel validated to feel pain and normalize it, feeding an emotional dependence.
To deal with emotional dependence, the first step is to understand what a healthy relationship is, what is not always easy. “We come from a cultural and mainly religious heritage that two become one. So you are a half looking for your other half. There is no complete person by themselves. This is the belief of emotional dependence that is completely related to the myth of love.” Despite helping many women, the author points out that there is no formula for love. “There is no manual to love. We have to understand that what works for a couple may not work for others. There are couples who believe in man as a provider, there are couples who do not believe it. So, that is why there is no magic formula, because there is no dynamics, an arrangement that works for everyone.”
Finally, the author and psychologist leaves a deep reflection that argues that we should not accept less than we deserve in any relationship. “You have to be aware of your qualities, because a person who is unaware of her qualities, she accepts anything, because she believes she deserves nothing more than that. When she knows she has much to offer, she does not accept less and this is one of the ways to the lighter, reciprocal and true love,” he concludes.
*This text does not necessarily reflect the opinion of the young Pan.
