Christmas is often considered a time of connection, warmth and belonging. At least, that’s the idea. But for many people, the reality is very different: isolation, emotional weight and painful comparisons.
Whether you’re spending Christmas alone, dealing with grief or simply lacking the Christmas spirit, the feeling can be that of being alone. disconnected from the rest of the world. However, this feeling is not the same as being alone. Loneliness is not limited to the number of people around, but rather to connection and its absence.
This time of year intensifies emotional experiences. Rituals like decorating the tree or watching a favorite movie can bring back memories. They can be from people or from old versions of ourselves.
In December, we perceive time differently, a phenomenon that psychologists call “temporal anchoring“. The season acts as a thread that runs through our lives, pulling us into the past. We often use this time of year to reflect on what we have lost, who we have become and what didn’t happen. It can be deeply painful.
It’s a strong counterpoint to the cultural messages: people coming together, the pressure to be cheerful and the idea that gratitude should prevail. It’s not just the glow of the holidays that should be felt. We must also.
Some people are more vulnerable at this time of year, especially those who are going through changes or transitions. A recent break-up, moving house, a medical diagnosis or redundancy can lead to a feeling of emotional instability. Others carry complex feelings about family, grief or past traumas, which make forced joy or good humor disconcerting.
Personality also plays a role. People with traits like neuroticism or socially prescribed perfectionism may be more vulnerable to distress and loneliness when life doesn’t live up to their expectations.
Your brain and loneliness
Studies have shown that chronic loneliness can increase stress hormonessuch as cortisol, impair immune function and even affect cardiovascular health. Social neuroscientist John Cacioppo described loneliness as “a biological warning system” that our need for connection is not being met.
Loneliness, however, is a normal human response. It is a reaction to the discrepancy between the social experience we desire and our reality. Self-discrepancy theory helps explain why self-discrepancy causes emotional distress. When there is a gap between who we are and who we feel we should be, whether socially, emotionally, or even seasonally, discomfort arises. Christmas, with all its decorations, amplifies this gap.
Loneliness is not the enemy
That said, being alone at Christmas doesn’t automatically mean something is wrong. In fact, it might be exactly what you need.
For many, this time can be a rare space opportunitytranquility and healing. It may be the only time of year when you have space to listen to your own thoughts, reflect or rebalance yourself. Intentionally choosing solitude can be profoundly healing.
Connecting with yourself can be just as important as connecting with others. Research on self-determination theory also highlights autonomy, competence, and relatedness as essential psychological needs.
Autonomy, in particular, means honor your own choicesand not the expectations of others. For example, choosing to spend the day reading silently, cooking for yourself, or creating a personal ritual promotes both autonomy and competence. These actions strengthen your ability to care for yourself and reduce the pressure to seek external validation.
Philosophers such as the 19th-century Danish thinker Søren Kierkegaard and the Stoic Epictetus emphasized the importance of tuning in to one’s inner life rather than being ruled by external forces. They remind us that authenticity doesn’t come from showing joy for others, but rather from realizing what we need and choosing to honor that.
The key is alignment. Do what nourishes younot what makes good Instagram photos, and let social pressures affect you, rather than being controlled by them.
So what can help?
Trying to “solve” loneliness with a to-do list is not the answer. It’s about tuning in to what you need. These approaches are rooted in psychological and philosophical knowledge. These are not quick solutions.
1. Allow yourself to feel
Loneliness hurts. It’s okay to recognize it. Ignoring it rarely works. Accepting it and living with it can be the first step to softening its impact.
2. Create microrituals
Small routines bring meaning and structure. Prepare a special tea. Watch a film that is meaningful to you. Light a candle for someone you miss. Rituals connect you to something bigger, but also to yourself.
3. Restructure the call
Proximity doesn’t have to mean crowds. It could mean sending a message, participating in a quiet online space, or simply being present with yourself. Writing in a diary, recording audio or taking reflective walks can be forms of inner connection.
4. Celebrate your uniqueness
You are not a statistic. You don’t need to aim for average mental health. Your emotional life is yours alone. A little variation, a little eccentricity, are signs that it is alive.
5. Discover what works for you
There is no single right way to celebrate Christmas. Whether it’s a walk alone, a day in your pajamas or calling someone you trust, the important thing is to honor your individuality.
If you feel out of place this Christmas, this Doesn’t mean it’s broken. It means you are conscious. You understand what is missing; is listening. This is not weakness, it is one of the greatest sources of wisdom.
In O Livro do Desassossego, the Portuguese poet and philosopher Fernando Pessoa wrote: “It is not even possible to feel if today you feel the way you felt yesterday: feeling today the same as yesterday is not feeling — it is remembering today what you felt yesterday, being today the living corpse of what was yesterday’s life lost.”
It’s a shocking image, but true. At Christmas, we often try to evoke old feelings, such as joy, warmth and belonging, as if we could instantly reactivate them. But what if we didn’t force it? Christmas doesn’t have to be a memory of joy. It may be the present truth.
Loneliness is not something that can be resolved or repressed. It’s a companion on the inner journey.
And sometimes, the most meaningful connection we can make is with ourselves.
