Two simple steps can help you have better — and truer — conversations.
Almost all conversations, from the most banal to the most intimate, have a hidden expectation: people do not need us to truly believe their stories, but, above all, to listen to them and validate them.
The idea was recently shared on , and is defended based on a recurring observation of Oprah Winfreythe American television presenter who over the decades has interviewed thousands of public figures and beyond. According to the presenter, as soon as the cameras stop and the microphones are removed, the question she hears most from guests is almost always the same: “How did I do?”
The phenomenon is not limited to the media universe. Even someone who is not a president, celebrity or public figure may not say “How did I behave?”, but tends to think about it after a meeting with friends, a work meeting or a social evening.
Behind this impulse is a constant need for validation and recognition: is a human need for external confirmation that we are understood, accepted and, ideally, appreciated.
The search for validation is an old trait of life in society. The philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau interpreted this anxiety as a consequence of the transition to communal forms of life: when we stopped living in a dispersed way and started living “in front of each other”, public perception gained weight and became a source of unrest. Philosopher Byung-Chul Han proposes a different, more contemporary reading: the transformation of people from “creatures who tell stories” into “creatures that sell stories”.
For Han, for a long time individuals presented their lives as a narrative with depth, contradictions and slow structures. An attempt to say “this is who I am”, whether you accept it or not. Today, there is a growing tendency to fabricate, exaggerate, or shape reports to maximize social approval. The priority stops being authenticity and becomes acceptability. And then, we have an entire room agreeing with narratives that, behind their backs, they consider to be not very credible.
The “Oprah Rule”
It is in this context that the call “Regra Oprah” as a simple method to improve conversations and relationships.
The rule is based on two movements: the first is create space so that the interlocutor feels seen, that is, ask questions that invite subjective experience (“How did that make you feel?”, “What was going through your mind at that moment?”, “Why was that so important to you?”).
The second step is explicitly offer validation which is so often implicit in the request “How did it go?”: phrases like “I can understand”, “I understand why you reacted that way” or “I think you handled it well”.
Instead of testing the veracity of each detail or “buying” the story as a product, the proposal is to recognize that listening can have a restorative value. Listening becomes understood as an act that embraces vulnerability and returns dignity; It’s a way of encouraging others to tell their story, instead of acting it out to get approval.
