Hello, welcome to this article. How are you?
Stuart Fedderson is a public speaking and communication coach and confesses that there is no question more useless — and more harmful to a good conversation — than the very popular one “how are you?” or “is everything ok?”
The communication specialist says that this question has become a social automatism that rarely serves the purpose of creating connections between people. On the contrary: it tends to maintain and orient conversations towards a superficial and “forgettable” caliber.
Fedderson’s problem with the question isn’t even the level of interest and politeness that comes with it: it’s the mechanical, automatic nature of the ritual, which also invokes automatic responses that don’t even correspond to reality — “I’m fine,” “I’m fine,” “Is everything up to you?” or the typical “get going”.
On the side of those who respond, there is no incentive to share something true. And so begins a conversation with little room for innovation, believes the expert — who presents alternatives that we can use.
The proposal of the expert It involves replacing the “how” with open questions starting with “what”, designed to invite more detail without, however, requiring excessive emotional exposure. “What was the most interesting part of your day?”, “What are you most excitedly anticipating?”, or “What have you been thinking about lately?” they are solutions.
A 2019 study from Harvard analyzed more than 300 conversations and concluded that people who ask follow-up questions considered “attentive” tend to be rated as more friendly and confident by their interlocutors. Another from Stony Brook University indicated that deeper questions can increase a sense of closeness — even among strangers.
It’s like at work, where having small talks, despite being our ‘daily bread’, is not always seen as easy: a survey cited in the text states that 74% of people have difficulty talking to colleagues, despite face-to-face interactions tending to leave them feeling better.
The topic becomes particularly visible in the workplace, where small talk is frequent but not always easy: a survey cited by the company states that 74% of people have difficulties in talking to colleagues, although face-to-face interactions tend to make them feel better afterwards.
