, announced that it will abandon the model of quickly choosing between profiles and start using it to recommend potential partners. The decision is a response to fatigue: 78% of American users said they felt exhausted when using the app. In another survey, 62% of singles who were looking for a serious relationship stated that dating was more difficult than it was ten years before. Although the data is American, the complaint also sounds familiar in Brazil.
The reflects the feeling of an abundance of available people at the same time that most contacts do not advance. To become a commitment, the other person, in addition to being desirable, needs to show interest, agree to go out, like you in person and want something minimally compatible. This path between the window and the desired relationship is almost always traveled with little information and a lot of guesswork.
In this type of context, organizing parameters helps in the first screening: it saves time, reduces risk and avoids dangerous choices. However, filtering by size, color or category in an online purchase makes sense because the object already exists. In the search for relationships, the sieve tries to anticipate the dynamic between two people before it exists. Thus, we look for signs of trust, intimacy, loyalty, passion, attraction and stability, dimensions that appear in partner and relationship ideals.
However, this ruler does not work the same way before and after live contact. Profiles compatible with declared preferences aroused more interest, but, after a brief face-to-face interaction, interest decreased. The meeting did not make people forget what they wanted, but it changed their perception. An adjective like “ambitious” may sound interesting on paper, but seem cold and selfish in a conversation where the person doesn’t ask questions about the other person. It can also gain charm if it is accompanied by curiosity and kindness.
The quality of a bond is more associated with the dynamics between two people than with isolated attributes. Perceived partner commitment, mutual appreciation, sexual satisfaction, and level of conflict are more informative than characteristics of the ideal person. This is the direction of , in an analysis that brought together data from 43 studies on 11,196 couples.
Furthermore, the profile of the person choosing has great weight in the perception of the dynamics. People who are more satisfied with their lives, less overcome by negative emotions and less inclined to experience intimacy with anxiety or withdrawal tend to see their own relationships as better. The filter we apply to others also affects the way we see intimacy, frustration and even ourselves.
Therefore, it is worth using the criteria as hypotheses to be tested. A list can help you decide whether it’s worth opening the door and then comparing it with the bond that is built. Delegating part of this choice to artificial intelligence, even if it were efficient in ordering profiles, would not solve the main issue: the information that matters to evaluate a relationship appears in the contact, not before it. Can I be honest with this person? Is there curiosity on both sides? Do disagreements turn into conversation or anxiety? Perhaps asking these types of questions is better than trying to perfect the filter down to the smallest detail. Above all, it is important to understand not only what qualities and defects the other person has, but what kind of person they both become in the process.
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