Scientific studies tell us that writing helps in the mental organization of the event, which allows us to achieve a (more) coherent narrative associated with new perspectives and new strategies for managing suffering.
For example, when an informal caregiver, after the loss of the person they cared for, writes about the years in which they cared for the loved one and manages to understand that “I did everything in my power”, they end up freeing themselves from feelings of guilt and thoughts of failure, which increase psychological discomfort and a less healthy grieving process.
Therefore, writing, by allowing greater organization of the event and new interpretations/meanings, contributes to the reduction of intrusive thoughts, which lose their frequency, but also their intensity.
For someone who struggled daily with thoughts like “Did I do everything?” or “What if I had done this differently?”, associated with enormous tiredness and psychological exhaustion, the change of narrative is, therefore, an enabler of enormous emotional liberation (“After realizing that I did everything, I was invaded by a feeling of peace that allowed me, really, to live my grief, without the burden of guilt”).
Writing allows negative thoughts to lose their emotional impact, as the person releases their emotions, finds new perspectives and develops new thoughts. Additionally, it enhances a physiological release that reduces the emotional and physical tension associated with the prolonged inhibition of the desire to reveal information.
And how can it be used in the event of a loss?
There are several possible scenarios associated with writing farewell lettersespecially when there was no opportunity to say goodbye (or when we felt that it was not enough at all); or a letter apologizing (to release pending issues, which we did not resolve with the person, in life); or the demand an apology (for example, in the case of a suicide, in which we feel, in part, angry with the other person); or a letter expressing affection (for the release of longing, which tends to grow throughout the grieving process).
Another example is the writing a diary in which the person shares their feelings with the lost person, venting about everyday episodes or important events – it works as a way of keeping the lost person “alive” in everyday life and present in family life. In contrast, there may be a diary in which the person writes, daily or randomly, about fears, worries, emotions, releasing them on paper and, simultaneously, gaining greater awareness of what robs them of their well-being.
Writing stories or episodes experienced with the lost person is also a mourning ritual, when these stories and letters are kept in a memory box, along with photographs and other belongings of the lost person.
For example, on a symbolic day, such as the lost person’s birthday, the family can get together, each member writes an episode with the lost person, reads it out loud for everyone to remember, as a family, the absent person and, at the end, everyone puts these written stories in the memory box, which they can open, remember and add letters on symbolic days (or whenever they feel the need).
In this way, therapeutic writing enhances the release of emotional pain, changes thoughts, increases the person’s self-knowledge about their grieving process, and also facilitates the practice of healthy mourning rituals. However, it does not replace seeking specialized psychological help.
If you do not yet feel emotionally available for this step, you can benefit from reading books that enhance a (more) healthy grieving process, such as the book “The Message of Tears: how to deal with grief” and remember: it is never too late.
