In a world where romantic encounters are made with a simple swipe of a finger on a cell phone screen, it is becoming increasingly difficult to distinguish what really motivates us to look for someone: the genuine desire to share a relationship or the need to feel validated?
The question is subtle, but essential. The way we see ourselves, that is, our self-esteem, influences not only how we choose our partnerships but also the type of affection we accept.
What is self-esteem, anyway? Self-esteem is the value we attribute to ourselves. According to (1965), it is “the subjective evaluation that the individual makes of himself, as being capable, worthy and deserving of respect”.
In simple terms: it is how much we believe we are enough, even when no one applauds us.
Healthy self-esteem helps us deal with rejectionsdefining limits and choosing relationships based on reciprocity, not lack. Fragile self-esteem can lead us to look for in another person what we cannot find in ourselves — validation, attention and appreciation.
When the encounter becomes a mirror
In dating contexts (especially online), it’s easy to confuse romantic interest with emotional validation. Receive a “match”a message or praise activates areas of the brain associated with reward — the same ones linked to dopamine (, 2004).
Therefore, the external approval can act as a small dose of emotional pleasure. But when this sensation becomes the main objective, the meeting stops being about the other and becomes about filling an internal gap.
If you feel like you constantly need confirmation from the other person, if silence or rejection disproportionately destabilizes you, or if you measure your worth by the interest you arouse, then Maybe what you’re looking for isn’t lovebut rather, validation.
How to distinguish the search for validation from a genuine connection
There is a clear difference between looking for connection and looking for confirmation.
See some signs:
| Validation | Genuine relationship |
| Constant search for praise and attention | Desire to get to know the other person and make yourself known |
| Anxiety when the other person takes a long time to respond | Trust in the other person’s autonomy and time |
| Rapid ideation | Gradual building of intimacy |
| Intense fear of rejection | Acceptance that not all encounters turn into love |
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When the goal is to be validated, the relationship becomes an emotional dependency disguised as romance. When the goal is to connect, there is room for authenticity, patience and growth mutual.
Self-esteem: the basis of healthy love
The literature shows that people with more stable self-esteem tend to establish relationships more balanced, with less jealousyless need for approval and greater ability to resolve conflicts (, 2000; , 2011).
This Doesn’t mean you need to “love yourself first” in a perfect way (which is a common myth), it does mean that recognizing your own value is the first step to not needing the other person to constantly confirm it.
In this sense, here are some tips on how to strengthen self-esteem before (or during) meetings:
- Practice a self-compassion – Talk to yourself as you would talk to a friend
- Observe your motivations – Are you looking to share a life or fill a void?
- Redefine a rejection – It does not diminish its value, it just shows that there was no fit.
- Cultivate other sources of satisfaction – Friendships, hobbies and purpose strengthen the sense of identity.
Healthy love begins when Loneliness is no longer intolerable and it becomes just a space of waiting, not despair.
In short, self-esteem and dating go hand in hand. Reaching out to someone can be a beautiful act of openness, as long as it doesn’t become an attempt to prove that we are worthy of love.
When self-esteem is solid, external validation is a bonus — not a vital necessity. And that’s where love, instead of being a search for completeness, becomes a conscious choice to share.
