More and more young Chinese people are under pressure to live up to their parents’ expectations, opting instead to seek comfort from older couples online who act as their “virtual parents”.
Like many other young people, Vincent Zhang is always “glued” to his cell phone at lunch. But his favorite content is from a middle-aged couple he calls his “virtual parents“.
Vincent’s favorite influencers on Douyin (the Chinese version of TikTok) are Pan Huqian e Zhang Xiuping.
Her videos openly showcase her adorable family life. And the couple often treats viewers as if they were your own children.
In less than three years, his account has attracted more than 1.8 million followers.
In one of the most popular videos, Pan and Zhang say: “Who’s the adult in the family? Are you tired of working and studying? Don’t try too hard. Mom and Dad know you put up with a lot out there.”
“My parents never tell me not to try too hard, or that I’m already good enough,” laments Vincent. “But virtual parents They just ask me if I’m happy today.”
“Virtual parents” became fashionable on the Chinese internet in 2024. Since then, more than a dozen influencers, such as Pan and Zhang, have gained numerous followers.
These discussions bring to light the growing dissatisfaction of many young Chinese millennials (those born between 1980 and 1995) and generation Z (between 1996 and 2012) with the traditional family dynamicswhich leads obligations and obedience to come before affection.
On the Chinese social network RedNote, the hashtag “Chinese parents” was viewed more than 500 million times, with more than 1.2 million comments.
Many are also frustrated because their parents do not understand the difficulties of face a slow economy and the pressures of meeting parents’ expectations as only children — the result of China’s birth control policy adopted between 1979 and 2015.
Vincent was successful and now lives in Shanghai, where he works as a web developer.
Your workday is exhausting. He practices the scale 996 adopted in the technology sector, which leads professionals to work from 9 am to 9 pm, six days a week.
But Vincent finds weekly phone connections with his parents ainda but stressful.
They often criticize his career choice, according to him, and believe that a government job would be more stable. Or they ask when he’s going to bring home a girlfriend.
Vincent feels less alone when he participates with others in the comments section of Pan and Zhang’s channel. Many people like him write to the couple and call them “mom” and “dad.”
Their messages usually talk about their daily lives and, sometimes, they ask congratulations on your birthdays. But some messages are extremely alarming.
In one of these cases, a girl named Dian Dian told Pan that she didn’t want to live anymore, that she suffers from depression and, therefore, had suicidal thoughts.
“I was talking to her for two hours, but she didn’t respond after 40 minutes,” said Pan, in an interview on Douyin in 2024, where she said she didn’t know what happened to her.
A week later, he received a call from Dian Dian. The young woman said that she felt much better now.
“I realized that I had done something very significant and I felt proud for a long time,” says Pan.
Pan understands the pain that a neglectful family can causeas he himself did not have a happy childhood.
He grew up in a yáodòng, a type of traditional underground house, in the northern province of Shaanxi. At the age of 14, he left home to be the family provider when his mother suffered paralysis.
“I was away from home for 33 years and my parents never said a word of encouragement“, he said, in the same interview with Douyin.
When his daughter Jiangyu was born, Pan was determined to create a different family atmosphere. And unlike typical Chinese families, Pan and Zhang always tell Jiangyu that they love her.
Jiangyu encouraged his parents to produce short videos and they became full-time content creatorsafter the closure of Pan’s company, in 2024.
Pan doesn’t have big plans for his account, even with the potential to make high profits by selling products with live streaming.
“I hope I can do a little so that they feel the affection of paternal love“, he states.
“Curgete soup literature”
In addition to content related to virtual parents, humorous content called “zucchini soup literature” also went viral in the second half of last year.
This trend was inspired by a minute-long scene that shows a son politely refusing a bowl of zucchini soup from his mother, but ends up being reprimanded for bad temper.
Many young users say the video captures the lack of communication typical of Chinese families, especially when parents ignore their children’s wishessaying that something is for your own good.
Zhao Xuan, 28, is part of this group. Have you already muted the family group chat because your Parents rarely show they care. And whenever they talk to her, she is simply the one portrayed in “zucchini soup literature”.
Zhao also believes his parents prefer his 15-year-old brother. Traditional Chinese culture considers that only boys can carry the lineage of the family.
Zhao says that her mother is very controlling over every aspect of her life. After graduating, she found a full-time job in France, but her mother told her to give up and return to China.
“Before I came back, my mother insisted that she would take care of me. I was touched”, she says. “But really, she just wanted me to come home to take care of my brother… She treats me the same way she did when I was younger. But she is a model mother to my brother.”
In the past, Zhao would come to tears when talking to her friends, trying to understand her parents’ behavior. But now she resorts to memes and humorous videos.
Similar reactions from others made her realize that her experience is not unique and that she could deal with her family issues with humor.
Political trauma
Gender issues scholar Guo Ting, from the University of Toronto, Canada, says she identifies with Chinese parents and observes many “historical reasons” behind their high expectations for their children and their difficulties in expressing affection.
Back when today’s parents were younger, public discourse neglected personal emotions. They went through the Chinese Cultural Revolution, a decade of violence and instability between 1966 and 1976. At that time, only love was shown for the country or its leader at the time, Mao Zedong (1893-1976).
For Guo, the insecurity and anxiety of today’s parents can be explained by “turmoil and poverty they went throughas well as the inhospitable, survival-of-the-fittest environment that they had to face.”
Part of the state press tried to conduct the discussion on the internet in terms of traditional concept of filial pietyadvising younger generations to be more understanding of their parents.
But this strategy doesn’t seem to work with Vincent, for example: “I can understand my parents’ difficulties, but I also have my own traumas.”he states.
Some virtual parents have hired management companies to monetize their content, but Vincent says he still wants to watch their videos.
“They give me the only affection in my life. And it’s better than nothing.”
