Even people who have worked in psychology for decades can feel intellectually frustrated when faced with a seemingly simplistic question, for which they do not have an answer that can cover the real complexity of the issue.
Asked about the secret to happiness on a TV show, researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky, from the University of California, Riverside (USA), found the question “ridiculous, reductive and restrictive”. When he mentioned the fact to his friend, Harry Reis, a psychology professor at the University of Rochester, he gave a revealing answer.
“I know people who are happy and I know people who are unhappy, and I can tell you what the main difference is between them,” said the relationship expert, according to a statement from URochester.
Genuine and simple, the empirical observation resulting from more than 50 years of research was the starting point of the book “How to feel loved” (“How to feel loved”, in free translation), recently published in the United States and still without a Brazilian edition. Combining research on happiness and human connections, the work offers a tip: “if you don’t feel loved, maybe you’re looking in the wrong direction”.
It may be that the problem is not a lack of love, the authors argue. It’s just that many people simply can’t feel loved, even though they are. In this ability to distinguish between being loved and feeling loved, there is a subtlety that makes all the difference in life.
The seesaw of relationships and five mindsets to interact with
“Many people believe that in order to feel loved, they need to become more lovable,” says Reis. And they think that by becoming more impressive, attractive, or successful, they will become worthy of being loved. But the book reverses this perspective: it’s not about “polishing the surface”, say the authors, but about building a real connection.
To explain how this link works, Reis and Lyubomirsky use the metaphor of a seesaw (see-saw in English) of relationship, where they purposefully change the spelling to sea-saw to indicate that this seesaw is submerged in the sea. When we elevate another person, they rise above the waterline and reveal previously hidden parts.
For Reis, . Feeling elevated and seen, the other person naturally reciprocates, also lifting us above the imaginary water line. A cycle of mutual responsibility is created, where elevating the other causes both to progressively reveal themselves.
To reach this stage, the book does not provide a step-by-step guide, but five ways of thinking and behaving in relationships. The first — Sharing Mentality — means letting others see the real you. Already the Listening to Learn Mindsets and Radical Curiosity they involve listening with the aim of truly understanding the other person, without expressing opinions.
Genuine curiosity, in turn, depends on Open Heart Mentalitywhich is truly caring about others. Finally, the Multiplicity Mentality demands a non-judgmental approach. “We all have strengths and we all have embarrassing moments and weaknesses”, summarizes Reis.
AI empathy and attention is not love
Before you decide to “dive” into the five mindsets to genuinely connect, warns Reis in a statement, you need to know that even small distractions can . He says that, in one study, simply having a cell phone on the table — without touching it — made conversations less satisfying.
The truth is that “we are always paying attention to see what signals are transmitted”, explains the relationship expert. And he concludes: “When I see your eyes moving to your cell phone, I feel like you’re not 100% involved.” Things get worse in online conversations, when people perform multiple tasks during video calls.
In a scenario where human connections themselves already occur predominantly through screens, it seems like a natural progression. After all, these artificial intelligences are remarkably efficient at expressing empathy and understanding, managing to effectively meet even the need for emotional and social connection.
However, Reis identifies a clear limit: “the problem is that chatbots can’t really love.” He compares these great language models to a chocolate bar, which satisfies hunger for a while but provides no nutrition. , which demand reciprocity — and even a dose of discomfort.
In real life, partners are always complaining and making demands. These typically human moments are what make relationships grow. I.e, What differentiates human love from its digital imitation is the choicesays Reis. It is when the other person decides to love us that we become happier, healthier, productive and successful, he concludes.
Launched by publisher Harper in the USA in February 2026, the book “How to feel loved: the five mindsets that get you more of what matters most”, which does not yet have a release date scheduled for Brazil.
